Wicked Game Page 16

  I shrugged, trying to show I wasn’t impressed. “I would have seen that if I’d been reading it. It’s obvious, right? As Eve wrote, ‘When a vampire chooses a mate, the wedding must be blessed by one with royal blood; therefore, two vampires may only take the blood oath of mates if a monarch allows it.’”

  Nickolai’s face dropped, but I decided to throw him a bone since he’d helped me snap out of my nervous breakdown. As quick as I could, I leaned in and pressed my lips to his cheek. “Thank you, Nicky.”

  Before he or I could do anything more, I sauntered back to my seat and turned to a grinning Edison. “So, bro, what’re we doing for the stag do?”

  Edison pointed at the group. “This is it.”

  “By Eve, that’s lame.”

  “We wanted to have a few quiet drinks with our family. Atticus and I are happy to just relax until it’s official.”

  I lifted my glass in salute. “When’s the big night?”

  “We were thinking of this Friday.”

  I suddenly realized I had no idea what night it was currently. Hell, I wasn’t even sure what month we were in. I tried to regain a semblance of control, but panic must have flared in my eyes as much as it sent a roll of nausea through me because Jack told me it was Wednesday.

  “Okay,” I said, focusing on my hands in my lap and waiting for the nausea to subside “Okay.”

  I barely noticed everyone but Nickolai leaving until the door closed with a click behind them. Feeling sad that I had ruined Atticus and Jack’s celebration, I said as much out loud, not sure if Nickolai would answer me.

  “They are just happy to have you both at the ceremony,” he replied. “The alternative would have been too much to bear.”

  “Okay.”

  I felt the need to move, to just stop sitting still. Rising from the chair, I told Nickolai as much and declined his offer of company. He looked disappointed, and when he didn’t argue or push me, I decided to offer him a piece of me.

  After nervously wetting my lips, I blurted, “I can’t sleep alone in my room. I’m afraid Dresden isn’t dead, this isn’t real, and he will come for me if I sleep. My bedroom is no longer the sanctuary it once was because I’m afraid.”

  Nickolai flashed me a smile. “I’ll grab my sleepover pyjama’s.”

  Face heating, I slipped from the room and travelled down the hall. I had no destination in mind, my feet were just moving. My bones felt tired, but my mind was working overtime and I wasn’t sure how to shut it off. Hunger punched my stomach—not for blood, but for something edible—so I veered off toward the canteen and slipped into the kitchen to fix myself something to eat.

  I grabbed a container of leftover pasta from yesterday’s dinner and set it on the counter before my eyes snagged on the selection of chocolate in the treat drawer. Grinning, I snatched one of the bigger bars and was munching on it for all of three seconds when the lights turned on and I spun round with a face full of chocolate.

  “Gotcha.”

  Edison stood with his fingers on the light switch and the biggest smug smile on his face. “That’s a very balanced diet you have there, Callan.”

  “I just opened the fridge after saying I was getting hungry, and one of the candy bars literally jumped out of the fridge onto the floor,” I said, feigning innocence as I fluttered my eyelashes. “I mean, I know it was just balanced in that side bin, but I’m taking it as the fridge’s endorsement of my plan.”

  Edison shook his head and grinned, then came across the kitchen and began splitting the pasta into bowls. We ate standing up, in complete silence, and then, when I was finished, Edison took the bowls to the sink and rinsed them out. That was when I noticed his hands were shaking.

  “Hey, Edison, you okay?”

  The bowls clanked into the sink as Edison turned to face me. “I’m angry, Ryan. So goddamn angry. It’s like I was calm for weeks, then we suddenly came home and I can’t stop this white-hot rage in my chest. I saw them messing with your head, and I couldn’t do a bloody thing. I feel like a goddamn fraud because everyone is praising me and congratulating me, but I didn’t do anything.”

  “Edison, you know you kept me alive, right? Having you there gave me something to fight for. I don’t think I would have fought against Dresden if I hadn’t had you. I might have fragmented thoughts, but of that I am absolutely certain.”

  Edison didn’t seem convinced by my words, and he rapidly changed the subject. “And then there is all this shit with my parents, and I had to take Atticus to Jack because my brother was crying because our parents won’t attend the mating. Not even after receiving an invite directly from the queen.”

  Then I understood Edison’s rage because I felt it, too. I would never have my father escort me down the aisle to my mate. I would never get to shop for dresses with my mother and speak of flowers and music and table arrangements. The celebrations that Dresden had dangled in front of me would never happen because my parents were dead. But Theodore and Jocelyn St. Clair were not, and they were openly refusing to give all this to their son.

  With a growl, I spun on my heels and headed out the door. Edison called for me to wait, but I ignored him. I stormed down the halls until I was taking the stairs two at a time. I glanced at Atticus and Jack’s door before turning the corner and making my way toward the family quarters.

  I scarcely heard Edison asking me to calm down before I was knocking on an oak door. Theodore St. Clair opened the door, his eyes widening when he spied me on the other side, even more so when he saw his son standing at my shoulder.

  “I would like a word with you and Mrs. St. Clair, please.”

  He didn’t seem surprised at my return to speech; as expected, the gossip in court was better than any magazine. Stepping back, he opened the door, and I went in, Edison following behind me as if he hadn’t spent eighteen years living in this unit. I stopped inside the reception area of the family unit, declining Theodore’s offer of a chair as he called for his wife.

  When Jocelyn St. Clair came out to greet us, I wasn’t surprised that she looked the epitome of a Stepford wife, her hair and makeup perfectly applied, the string of pearls around her neck just as bright as her white teeth.

  “Edison, it is lovely to see you,” she said, greeting her son.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  Then Jocelyn turned her eyes to me, and they were Edison’s eyes. She offered me a greeting, and Theodore explained I wanted to have a word with them. They sank down onto a loveseat as Edison tried to catch my eye, but I was determined to do this for Atticus and for the life I could have had.

  “Did you know your eldest son is in tears right now because his parents don’t love him enough to go to his mating?”

  Jocelyn had the good grace to pale, but Theodore looked ready to argue. But I hadn’t come to start an argument; I just wanted to say my piece and leave.

  Holding up my hand to stop him, I carried on. “I don’t think Atticus should give a flying fuck what two judgmental assholes think, but I love Atticus. Did you know that he once contemplated killing himself because he knew this was how you would react to him being gay?”

  Jocelyn clasped a hand over her mouth with a gasp, and Edison asked me to take it down a notch. Of course, I didn’t.

  “Jack O’Reilly took care of me when all of you decided Imogen Callan’s rebellious daughter was too much to handle. Atticus was the one to train me when no one wanted a girl as a royal guard. They are two exceptional vampires. Both madly in love. Both so perfect for one another. They deserve better.”

  I continued, letting my emotions into my voice so they would see how much Jack and Atticus meant to me. “You don’t have to agree with who Atticus loves. But it is Atticus’s choice, not yours. Your choice is whether or not to show up when your kid needs you. I hope you change your mind because one day, I think you will regret not being part of this special day for them.”

  I turned and stalked across the room to the door. Before leaving, I blew out a breath and turned back, my h
and still on the doorknob.

  Swallowing hard, I said, “My parents will never watch me get mated. My father won’t cry as he walks me to my future husband. My mother won’t tell me I’m beautiful as we try not to ruin our makeup with tears of joy. There will be two empty seats when that day comes, and I’m not sure I can do it without them.”

  Edison was looking at me like I’d revealed too much of myself, but I delivered one final blow before I left.

  “The difference between me and Atticus is that there’s no possible way for my parents to attend their child’s mating—they’re dead. But you can, and you’re choosing not to. You are choosing wrong. I’m sorry for interrupting your evening.”

  I stepped through the doorway but turned back once more, deciding to leave them with one more snippet of information.

  “Oh, and by the way, Edison is now a fully-fledged member of the royal guard. He’s been given a prestigious position, even if it does look like he’s stuck as my partner for good. He and I are responsible for keeping Nickolai and each other safe, and I trust him with my life.”

  Winking at Edison, I closed the door and sauntered down the hallway feeling a sense of accomplishment. Maybe Theodore and Jocelyn wouldn’t pay any attention to my little rant, but at least I’d tried. I hoped some of the things I said might convince them to show up for Atticus. But if they didn’t, fuck ‘em. I would let nothing spoil Jack and Atticus’s special day.

  Trotting up the stairs, I pushed open my door, and my breath caught. Nickolai was sprawled in my bed, lying on his stomach, shirtless, his face peaceful as he slept on. The duvet was wrapped around his waist, giving me a perfect view of his broad shoulders. Head on the edge of the pillow, one arm was hanging off the side of the bed, and I wondered if this was the first night Nickolai had slept in weeks. Closing the door, I padded across the floor quietly so as not to wake him. I stripped out of my clothes, picked up his discarded black tee off the floor, and pulled it on.

  Slipping into bed beside him, I turned to him, unable to see his face, but somehow that made it easier. For a moment, I wondered if I was locked in a dreamscape and this was merely a manifestation of what I imagined happiness was. Moving a little closer, I breathed in through my nose and knew from his scent that Nickolai was here, in my bed, and I was safe. I wasn’t trapped in a reality that made my heart clench because of how much I wanted it.

  Feeling brave, knowing he was asleep, I placed my fingers on his spine and traced the outline of it. When Nickolai didn’t so much as flinch, I found my voice.

  “I think I could have survived knowing I had killed you in my nightmares,” I whispered, more to myself than to the sleeping vampire. “But then he burrowed deeper and found out what I wanted in life. You asked me once, and I couldn’t answer. Because it was you. I wanted you—just not all the bullshit baggage that came with you.”

  My fingers moved away from his spine to run through the strands of his hair. “The last dreamscape was all about what I hoped for. We were in love. My parents and Krista were alive. We were human and terribly normal. There was no crown, no death, and I think I realized I’ve never really been happy before. No, that’s not right. I was happy… I am happy, whenever I’m with you. And that scares me.”

  Closing my eyes, I sighed. “It scares me that I want to go back, even for a second, to feel like that again. Where you told me you loved me, and I could say it back without feeling like my chest might explode. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be brave. I want… fuck… I dunno.”

  Shifting my body so that my nose was buried in his neck, my arms wrapping around his chest, I pressed my lips to his shoulder. “If I could, I wouldn’t want you, but by Eve I do, and I think it’s too late now. It was always too late.”

  I kept my eyes closed, breathing in Nickolai’s scent and telling myself I hadn’t noticed the moment Nickolai had stopped breathing or heard him utter fuck under his breath.

  18

  Nickolai was gone when I woke the next morning and I was a little thankful for that, although for the next two days, I barely saw him. I’d been worrying for a full night when Nickolai came into the canteen and gave my shoulder a squeeze as I sat eating dinner with Edison. It eased some of the tension coiled in me, as did being declared fit to resume both training and my guard duties after another feeding from a Child of Eve.

  Edison and I decided to work on training together so we could get used to fighting side by side. We spent a sweaty night practicing, with me having to use another set of sai because I didn’t have both of mine. When we weren’t training, we were helping Atticus and Jack get sorted for their mating ceremony.

  They decided to have it in a smaller room off the ballroom, as Jack pointed out they didn’t need an entire ballroom for this. The night before the wedding, I joked that the grooms shouldn’t spend the night before their mating with each other and was laughed at for it. I left the lovebirds early into the morning, falling face-down on my bed in exhaustion.

  I dreamed of rogue me striding into the mating ceremony. I dreamed of my blade sliding into Jack’s heart as Atticus wept, and licking the blood from my sword before I decapitated him.

  Waking drenched in sweat, I felt arms around me before I could scream as Nickolai pressed his lips to the top of my head.

  “Shh, it’s okay. Just a nightmare. I got you.”

  I must have fallen back to sleep because when I woke, it was just after sunset and Nickolai was gone again. I showered and dressed in my royal guard uniform, pulling my hair into a braid that lay over my shoulder and down the front of the uniform. I went to the jewelry box where I kept my parents’ things and withdrew a box that had been my father’s.

  Without opening it, I stashed the box in my pocket, slipped on my boots, and headed down to Jack’s room. I knocked twice, and when Jack answered he grinned at me, excitement in his eyes. I knew he’d waited his whole life for this moment, so I embraced him before stepping back to get a look at him.

  Jack was dressed in his royal guard uniform, which was the exact same as mine—black shirt with a crimson stitching, black pants, and combat boots. Over the breast pocket, the word Captain had been stitched with the same crimson thread as the jacket, and I patted it twice as I smiled up at him.

  “You scrub up nice.”

  Jack rolled his eyes and ran his eyes over me. “You don’t look so bad yourself, kiddo.”

  I knew Atticus was getting ready next door, so I withdrew the box from my pocket and handed it to Jack. When he looked at the box curiously, then back at me, I shrugged.

  “I know it’s a silly human tradition, but I wanted to give you something today. You know, like something borrowed, but it’s a gift, and there is blue in it, so there is that. Plus, it’s old and I just feel like you should have it, today of all days.”

  Jack opened the box, and I held my breath as he gasped in surprise. He took the contents of the box out, and the sight of the ring brought back so many memories. I used to steal it from my dad’s finger and try to fit it on one of mine, the stone reminding me of the ocean. The ring was a present from my mother, back when their relationship was a secret. It was a promise from Imogen that she was Tristan’s and she considered him hers.

  My mom had told me the story one night at bedtime, and I’d imagined my parents’ love story as a fairy tale. Unfortunately, it ended like a Shakespearean tragedy instead.

  “Ryan, I can’t take this. It’s too much. It means too much.”

  “And that is why it’s now yours. My dad would want you to have it. He wore this ring to show Mom he loved her when he couldn’t show it to the world. Dad would have understood why you kept a part of yourself hidden, and he would’ve been honored for you to wear the ring now you don’t have to hide anymore.”

  And then Jack was crying, and I was crying as we hugged, tears falling for the friend and father we lost. When we stopped, I smiled at Jack.

  “At least we don’t have to worry about ruining our makeup.”

  That ma
ke Jack laugh as he slipped the ring on his right hand, touching the stone before pressing a kiss to my cheek. I linked arms with him, and we walked down the stairs arm in arm. The hallways were quiet, as if the entire court had cleared out. I was glad in a way, because it meant that nothing would ruin this night for two of the most important people I loved.

  Queen Katerina was already waiting, her back to us as we entered, dressed in a glittering golden gown, one normally reserved for public ceremonies or special occasions. With one simple gesture, Katerina was showing Jack and Atticus that their union was special to her, too.

  “My liege,” Jack bowed his head. “Words cannot ever describe how grateful I am that you have blessed my mating. I am not afraid to admit that I never dreamed this day would come.”

  Katerina stepped down from the makeshift dais and cupped Jack’s cheek. “We live in a world where hate tries every day to conquer love. We must celebrate every bit of love we are given. It is the greatest honor of my life to be the monarch to unite you and Atticus as a mated pair. I certainly hope that yours will not be the only union to be blessed in the future.”

  My mind wandered back to the conversation I had with Katerina a few days ago, and I smiled at the queen when she looked at me. As if surprised by my warm smile, she blinked and then returned it.

  The room was decorated simply, with flowers attached to the chairs and a massive bouquet of roses standing next to where the queen would unite Atticus and Jack. The door behind us opened and I turned, expecting to see Atticus and Edison. It wasn’t them.

  Theodore and Jocelyn St. Clair entered the room looking unsure if they should be here or not. Jack looked startled before squaring his shoulders and striding over to Atticus’s mom and dad to extend his hand.

  “I’m glad you both could be here today. I know Atticus will be overjoyed that you are here.”

  Jocelyn took Jack’s hand and gave it a shake as she inclined her head toward me. “We had some wise guidance that reminded us how much we love our son and would regret not being here for him. Atticus has always made good choices in his life, and if he has chosen you, then I have faith in Eve he’s made a good choice.”